I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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