Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
