I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
