It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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