Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
