im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
