We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
