i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
