dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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