The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
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She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
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Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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