WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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