After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
