I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
