Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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