My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize