He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
