Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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