True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
