Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
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