The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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