Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
