I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
