there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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