I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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