When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
