I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I looked at my own cervix.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
