I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
