You're earring is so big in my mouth
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Randomize
