I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
