pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
