eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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