You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
