he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
