The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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