How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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