we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
