My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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