I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
