i love accidental penises.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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