burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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