and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
