His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
