My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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