Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
