guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.