He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
