I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?