I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
