fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
