Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
