go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
