I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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