my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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