I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
