So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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