If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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