i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
