Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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